Therapy for Adults in Identity Transition
For the strange, disorienting space between who you have been and who you are becoming.
In Montana and Washington
DYLAN SPRADLIN, MA, MSW, LCSW, LICSW (they/them)
Sometimes your life still looks like your life — but you don’t feel like the same person inside it.
Maybe something changed.
You learned you are autistic.
Or ADHD.
Or both.
A relationship ended.
You became a parent. Your children grew up. You moved. Changed careers. Lost someone. Came out. Got sick. Recovered. Reached midlife and realized that some version of you had been making decisions for decades without ever stopping to ask whether any of it actually fit.
Sometimes identity changes because life forces it to.
Sometimes it changes because you finally have enough information to see yourself differently.
Either way, there can be an unnerving period when the old story no longer works and the new one has not quite formed yet.
Late-recognized ADHD or autism can rearrange your whole history.
For many adults, recognizing themselves as neurodivergent brings enormous relief.
Oh.
That explains a lot.
And then comes the looking backward.
School.
Friendships.
Relationships.
Work.
Burnout.
The things you were told were character flaws.
The things you somehow managed, but only by working three times as hard.
The ways you learned to mask, anticipate, accommodate, overprepare, people-please, perform competence, or disappear.
It can be validating.
And it can hurt like hell.
You may find yourself asking some very different questions.
Was I actually lazy?
Was I difficult?
Was I too sensitive?
Did I fail — or was I trying to function in environments that did not fit me?
Which parts of me are personality?
Which parts are masking?
What do I actually like?
What do I need?
How tired am I?
And if I stop trying so hard to be who I thought I was supposed to be...
Who am I?
This kind of identity work is bigger than a diagnosis.
A diagnosis can be part of it.
So can divorce.
Grief.
Menopause.
A career change.
Leaving a religion or community.
Coming out.
Becoming a caregiver.
Children leaving home.
Immigration or relocation.
A major shift in health.
Or simply reaching a point in your life when you cannot keep abandoning yourself to maintain the version of you everyone else knows.
Identity transitions often contain both grief and possibility.
Something is ending.
Something else may be emerging.
And there can be a long stretch when you are living between the two.
Therapy does not have to be about becoming a better-performing version of yourself.
ItParticularly for neurodivergent adults, therapy has often carried an implicit message:
Try harder.
Regulate better.
Organize yourself.
Be less sensitive.
Communicate more normally.
Stop being so much.
I am much more interested in understanding what happens when we stop starting from the assumption that you are the problem.
We may explore masking, burnout, sensory needs, relationships, boundaries, executive functioning, shame, self-trust, attachment, grief, and the adaptations that helped you survive earlier versions of your life.
Some of those adaptations may still serve you.
Some may not.
We get curious.
Identity transition can look like:
Late diagnosis or recognition of ADHD, autism, or AuDHD
Neurodivergent burnout
Realizing how much of your life has involved masking
Questioning long-held expectations about who you should be
Divorce or major relationship change
Midlife transition
Menopause or other significant body changes
Career change or loss of professional identity
Coming out or exploring gender or sexuality
Becoming a parent, caregiver, or empty nester
Relocation or loss of community
Grief that has changed the way you see yourself
Feeling disconnected from a life that still looks fine from the outside
Knowing the old version of you no longer fits, without yet knowing what comes next
There may not be a “real you” buried underneath everything.
I actually think the truth is more interesting than that.
You have always been adapting.
Learning.
Protecting.
Connecting.
Trying things on.
Responding to the people and places around you.
The work is not necessarily to excavate one pristine, authentic self who was there all along.
It may be to become more able to notice:
This feels like me.
This does not.
I want this.
I do not want that anymore.
I need more of this.
I am allowed to change.
Online therapy can be a good place to do this work.
You can meet from your own environment, where you have more control over sensory input, movement, comfort, and physical space.
You can pace.
Fidget.
Look away.
Curl up in a chair.
Talk intensely for twenty minutes and then need a minute to figure out what happened.
You do not need to perform therapy correctly either.
Online therapy for adults is available throughout Washington and Montana.
You do not need a diagnosis to start asking the questions.
You do not have to prove you are autistic enough.
ADHD enough.
Burned out enough.
Changed enough.
You may simply know that the old explanation for your life no longer makes sense.
That is enough to begin.
Ready to begin?
Start with a free virtual consultation.
We’ll talk about what has been changing, what you are beginning to understand differently, and whether my approach feels like a good fit.
You do not need to know who you are becoming before we talk.
